my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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