My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize