come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
