Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
