She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
