I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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