I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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