Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
