Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
