I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
