Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
3 2 1 whiskey
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
