tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
