Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You were trust falling into bushes
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
