I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
