Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
