how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I need to align my fucking chakras
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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