Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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