i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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