Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
