We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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