...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
