3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
