I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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