I cockslap morals
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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