When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
