I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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