planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
All the doctor said was why
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
