Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
