She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
