If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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