I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
