Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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