apparently the secret to your success is patron
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
