Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
