I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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