Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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