just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
