This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
