I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
