the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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