Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
