dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
