I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
