they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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