I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
