you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
