dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
