Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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