That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
