So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
