We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize