I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
