thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
