got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I am available for nakedness
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
