I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
