Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can't put those talents on a resume
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
