Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
