When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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