if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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