Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
